Okay, things are going a little slowly on the blog today, so I figured that I would bring another “traddie rant” out of the storehouse of great material which I keep saved up for a rainy day. But now I’m going to warn you again! if you didn’t like the last traddie rant, you’re really not going to like this one. In fact, I conjure Iacobus not to read it at all, because it’s so very, very lame. But if you got a chuckle out of the last one, you just might get a chuckle out of this one.

Now again comes to us from the very special authors, Giove Vitilleschi and Maximillian Hanlon. You see, they happen to have personal knowledge of the life and goings on at Ave Maria University in Florida, having there occasionally turned over a page or two in study. Of course, we know, as attentive readers of Catholic news, that Ave Maria University has been in the news, even the national news, of late. I recommend that you read this cwnews.com story to set the stage before proceeding to Vitilleschi and Hanlon’s somewhat hyper thoughts about how life in the new town might go. Remember, this is satire, not the serious commentary which fills more respectable blogs.

And remember, Iacobe, you’re not allowed to read this, so don’t click on the link!

At Ave Maria Town, they’re trying to outlaw
contraceptives against the whims of the ACLU and
Planned Parenthood, who are really beginning to get
pissed because if the world stops using condoms,
abortion providers world-wide will just totally run
out of money. Anyway, if the Ave administration really
wants to have a law suite on their hands created by
international Jewry, I’m not sure why they don’t just
outlaw all Jews from the future town, or at least come
up with some really goofy ways to discourage all the
money changers in the world with hook noses from
moving in. For example, they could threaten to
confiscate all their yarmulkes because the bishops
might need some new hats. (The divinely created
job-description of bishops is, after all, to wear
really goofy hats and never eat a bad meal again.)
They could also threaten to put Marian grottos in all
the front yards of the Jews against their will and
force them to watch “The Passion” in Lent. Of course,
to preserve the town’s future financial success, no
Jew should be allowed to work in the banking system
and they should charge that perfidious race higher
interest rates. You’ve heard of usury? This would be
jewsery! To celebrate the triumph of the Romans (of
whom we are the cultural inheritors) over those
Christ-killing rebels, we should also erect a copy of
the Arch of Titus facing the city square celebrating
the sack of the Temple of Jerusalem in AD 70. To make
sure that everyone can see the details really good we
should make it twice its actual size in the Roman
forum. People say the hallmark of Christianity is
Christ’s victory over death at the Resurrection, but
if you ask me, it’s Christ’s revenge when He sent
those Romans in forty years later to burn that city to
the ground, proving He had a bit of the Old Testament
in Him after all. To make sure that everyone remembers
how important Rome’s conquest over Jerusalem is, we
should make the annual remembrance of the fall of
Jeruslaem a Holy Day of Obligation. The Jews had it
coming after all for rejecting their Messias and
killing God. Of course, those Hanukah menorah holiday
lamps should also be confiscated and melted down to
make a nice addition onto the oratory Tabernacle.
Plus, I read it on The Onion that Tom Monaghan wants
to commission a bronze statue of himself riding the
High Priest Ciaphas like a horse. Out of Ciaphas’s
mouth, there shall flow a constant supply of popsicles
providing constant refreshment to all passers-by.

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